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Someone give me the strength to move on

Mar. 26th, 2016 | 04:38 pm

Am I just stupid or am I that lonely that my path always lead me back to you?
I want to blame you because you always let me crawl back to you
At the same time, maybe the jokes on me
You never care to ask me about my day or go out of your way to make me happy anymore
Am I just too available?
I tried to let you do your own thing. Never questioning what you are up to
Because I have learned from my past mistakes
But I guess it made us into this...
How do I let this go? You made it so easy to not care
I'm just not ready to give this up.
But I have to. I would be stupid if I had stayed.
I'm not really sad anymore over you as much. Maybe I am slowly leaving you.

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(no subject)

Sep. 27th, 2015 | 11:08 am

I am not writing this down because I don’t want to forget you. I am writing this down because I want to remember why I am here.  I took you for granted and I let myself believe that what others thought of our relationship was more important than how I felt. I shielded my heart and built layers of walls to keep you out so when it’s over, it won’t hurt. Little did I know that I was just numbing myself from something that could have been beautiful. I told myself you were too young and that you would never understood me. I can’t entirely blame you for the state we are in now. You became distant, not engaging, cold, and not who I fell for.

But maybe I should take your reaction to confirm that you were too young to get it. Instead of talking it out and working things out, you left and shut the door. You didn’t look back. You didn’t even try to work it out.

Now we are done and I am left here wondering if maybe, just maybe, you might come back. But maybe you won’t and I just have to accept that. I have to be ok with the fact that I made a mistake and to learn from it. I have to be ok in order to move on. It’s not a choice.

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Good bye to you.

Apr. 12th, 2015 | 10:12 pm

"And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to..."

Dear C,

I don't think you will ever understand how you selfishly and cruelly hurt me. You let everything go because J founded out about your relationship and you couldn't handle people finding out who you truly are. You broke up with me through text and continuously tried to find faults in me to crush me into pieces. I suddenly wasn't good enough for you and I became an annoyance to you. You threw me out but yet you still wanted to string me along.

I am sure I wasn't the best partner. I knew I was being clingy and I didn't let you breathe. I didn't give you the support that you needed. I am sorry I didn't listen to you or hear you out. I didn't see that I was tearing the relationship apart. However, you never did try to see my side of the story did you? Everything I said and did was wrong.

It took me 3 years to recover.

Thought the healing was rough, I still wanted to thank you. You made me realized that I can love again. You helped me to become confident in my body and myself again. You taught me to laugh often and to just have fun. And though we didn't last long, it was nice to find home in your arms. I know that I cannot change the way you think of me now (you said so yourself) and that's ok. I have learned to accept that you can't please everyone. I don't hold anything against you anymore because I'm sure you did what you had to do.

I doubt that our path will ever cross again but I do genuinely wish you the best in everything. I still miss who you once were but I am going to leave things in the past now.

I am finally moving on.

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(no subject)

Mar. 29th, 2015 | 01:55 pm

I thought that I was ahead of this game. I can do this. I will just remove the emotional part and only invest physically. I'm walking on fire here and I playing a dangerous game. Who am I kidding? I am already losing. Sorry heart. 

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(no subject)

Dec. 23rd, 2014 | 12:14 am

December has been such a cold winter. Lately, not a day goes where I don't feel like I am sinking. It's a struggle to keep this mask on but it's all I know how to do. What is wrong with me? Is it just pure lonliness or I just don't know how to let go? I try to convince myself that I need to leave this city because I don't belong here. But really, I just want to run away. Run far and fast enough that what has been holding me down will snap and set me free.

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(no subject)

Dec. 13th, 2014 | 11:27 pm

i am very good at giving advice and helping others. But when it comes down to doing what is right for me, I am so fucked up. I really admire others who have the strength and self-respect to get the fuck away from what is hurting them most. 

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Losing time

Jul. 9th, 2014 | 09:39 pm

I am losing motivation and I am scared.
I am scared that I won't make it into grad school. I will become one of those people who are stuck in their 9 to 5 work day.
I fear that I won't get into my anatomy class and if i do, I won't pass.
I don't want to go through the application process when in the back of my mind I know I am not smart enough.
Don't tell me I won't know unless I try. I dont want to try anymore.
I just want to travel. I want to drive along the east coast and experience Fall and Spring.
There's so much to see, so much to take in.
I'm tired of being stuck here. I feel if I stay any longer I won't be able to crawl out.
I just dont know where to start. I don't have that confidence.

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(no subject)

Jun. 29th, 2014 | 02:30 am

This is a mistake I keep repeating. Maybe its the loneliness that's killing me inside. Or maybe I can't forget you. What do I do from here? I'm tired of being strong and so independent. I just feel like falling...but who will catch me? Please, let me go. You are torturing me and I'm too weak still to say no.

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(no subject)

Jun. 28th, 2014 | 01:16 am

How did we end up here? My choice to break the promise was because I did what I felt was right. Did you think I was trying to sabotage you? That was never my intention. I never meant to hurt you. I only did what I thought I should do because I have been there. You can't have it all. I know you are angry. The words you released were meant to hurt me. To break me. You reacted the way you did because you felt like you were taking all the heat. But I refused to take partial blame for the mistakes you have made. You can hate me. Go ahead and walk away from this mess you have made. I'm not wasting time on you.

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(no subject)

Mar. 13th, 2014 | 09:53 pm

No matter how much I try, I'm never enough. I have already found the truth and it didn't set me free. I want to scratch your name out that has engraved itself on my chest. I don't want to wait for the scars to heal so I can still see the faded out line of it. I want to see a million crisscrosses. I want to know that every time I see my body in the mirror, all I will see is just a mistake.

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